Poetry Friday: Dirt on My Shirt

A Jeff Foxworthy poetry book? To the BACAmobile!!!

So Jeff Foxworthy wrote kid poetry. I don’t mean that he wrote poetry for kids — I mean that he wrote poetry like a kid. If you saw it on your child’s elementary school homework, you’d be mildly amused. But from an adult? Oh, not good. And there is no way on God’s green earth that the jacketflap should read, “In this hilarious collection of poems...” Folks, there’s nothing hilarious to see here. Move along.

Dirt on My Shirt is a perfect example of a book that would have never, ever been published if not for the celebrity of the author. I find it particularly sad that it’s a book of poems — and I use that term loosely here — because parents don’t buy a lot of poetry books for their kids. So while the horrible Steve Martin ABC book will hopefully become a distant memory among the many other picture book choices, children may actually come away from Dirt on My Shirt with the idea that this is real poetry that, like, grown-ups write.

I couldn’t even find a favorite, or decide on the the worst of the batch to share. Grandparent’s day must be coming up soon, so I’ll go with these two selections.

Granddaddy

It sounds kind of sappy, but it makes me happy
To sit in my granddaddy’s lap
He tickles, I giggles and wiggles like crazy
And sometimes we just like to nap

Grandma

My grandma puts on lipstick
It’s bright red like a rose
Because she cannot see too well
It ends up on her nose!

By the way — no periods. That’s how all of the poems are. Apparently, they can end with an exclamation point or question mark, but not a period. Whatever. I give up.

The book is a freakin’ bestseller and the Amazon reviews are all good. A few people mention the poems as “simple” or “uninspired” but they don’t appear to see that as a problem. It breaks my heart that this piece of poetry crap will end up in the hands of readers instead of a dozen — a hundred other better choices. I guess Kelly’s right. It’s time for my own celebrity author blog. I’ll be Simon; anyone want to be Paula or Randy to balance my snark?

Poetry Friday Roundup is over at Becky’s Book Reviews. Head over to find some good poems.

Brunkus and Bush

Oh, Denise. Why? Why? You’ve got the whole Junie B. thing going on, and the picture book Charlie Hits it Big was a great use of your talents. I don’t understand how you could do this.

I mean, really, the Bush book was the best thing coming down the pike? That just can’t be. And the book, Read All About It!, is kinda crap, you know. A boy doesn’t like books, until one day the librarian is reading and real things come alive from the books and a pig comes alive and then disappears when the book ends, so then it becomes another story about searching for the pig who disappeared and everyone is surprised that he’s in the library. Not good.

On the back of the book is a picture of Laura and Jenna Bush and a “touching” quote. “Discovering a good book can change our lives forever. [Well, it’s not going to be this one.] Books offer a world of adventure, new friends, and a lifetime of learning. [Gag.] We hope READ ALL ABOUT IT! will be a window into the power and magic of books! [I sincerely doubt it.]”

It’s the end of a presidency, so a First Lady book is to be expected. I can’t even work up a BACA hissy fit about that. But Denise, you should have known better. Now I still love you, but I’m very disappointed in you. Don’t let this happen again, missy.

A BACA First?

I haven’t read The Big One-Oh, by Dean Pitchford, but I think it’s interesting that the blurbs are by Jamie Lee Curtis and John Lithgow. Dean Pitchford is himself a celebrity as a songwriter, though I would have totally cut him BACA slack because there’s no big name-recognition factor. However, now that the book’s been blurbed by two celebrities on the front cover, I feel that as the founder of Bloggers Against Celebrity Authors, I must pass on this book on principle.

(Total confession: It actually sounds kinda funny. I might have to read it on the down-low.)

BACA’s Back, ALL RIGHT!

As president, I guess, of Bloggers Against Celebrity Authors, I try to live by the code that I created. Namely this:

As BACA members, we will strive to shun celebrity authors in the blogging world... We will, as members, avoid giving undue publicity to celebrity authors, with the possible allowance of subjecting said celebrity authors to scorn and ridicule.

Often I bypass opportunities to mention celebrity work. Other than my initial outrage about Jenna Bush writing a Young Adult book, I’ve remained quiet. At this point I have read the book, Ana’s Story, and the best — and worst — I’ll say is that I no longer believe that a ghost writer was involved.

But occasionally, along comes a book so wrong that I must employ the “scorn and ridicule” part of the BACA code. I’d be doing the community — nay, the nation — a disservice to do any less. It’s even forced me to take the MotherReader offerings to a new level, which you’ll see at the end of the post

So: The Alphabet from A to Y with Bonus Letter Z! by Steve Martin and Roz Chast. At first glance, such a wealth of possibility. Good title, for one. Steve Martin is an accomplished author of adult books that are pretty darn good. He’s a funny guy, a former wild and crazy guy. One can assume he’s a person in touch with his inner child.

Apparently, his inner child on hallucenogenic drugs.

I’m sorry, but as a children’s picture book, the book is bad. Bad, bad, bad. The rhymes are nonsensical, but not in that playful way that some writers can pull off. The text is more surreal, with a so-sophisticated tone. It’s hard to even pick the worst, so here’s a fairly random sample:

Clunky Clarissa, all clingy and clueless,
Left California and now she is shoeless.

WTF? On how many levels is this couplet just wrong? I’d say clunky as a body description is pretty disturbing. Clingy and clueless seem pretty adult to me, and shoeless is a pretty random rhyme for the sadly used clueless. Maybe it should have been a tip-off that several of the rhyming dictionaries wouldn’t match the word clueless with anything. Take a hint.

Another stellar writing example:

Pedro the puppy piled poop on his paws
And Papa Dog published his photo because.

Here, the inappropriate nature of this rhyme is supported by the illustration of an angry papa dog scolding Pedro while showing him the magazine cover of him proudly posing with poop on his paws. What kind of weird mixed messages are going on in this household? Can you say long-term therapy?

Which brings us to the illustrations by Roz Chast... Hmmm, don’t know that name. Hold on. Yes, New Yorker cartoonist Roz Chast. Of course, because I’ve always thought, “If only there were more New Yorker cartoons for kids.”

No, no, no! These cartoons are so wrong and sometimes even dreadfully inappropriate for kids. I’ll give her teeny, tiny props for managing to include lots of items in each illustration using the featured letter. But I can’t forgive using a drunk under the letter D. I’m not happy with the misspelled text in the balloon, “Kids! Kome back! Have some kosher kasha! I kovered it in ketchup!” or on a book on the floor, “Inglish for Idiots.” Overall, I hate that the cartoons are definitely from an adult world — even when children are featured — and are presented with a surreal quasi-sophistication that is NOT FOR KIDS.

And yes, I meant to shout that, because one thing that will force me to employ my powers of snark is when people market books to children that are NOT FOR KIDS. And all the BACA sirens are wailing because (1) people are buying this book (how sad), and (2) it would never have been published if it weren’t coming from a celebrity.

Hey, I’m not happy about this myself. I like Steve Martin. I think he’s a talented man — as an actor, yes, but I was also willing to cut him slack as a writer based on his adult books, which were pretty good. Man, he was even awarded at the Kennedy Center Honors last night.

But I have to say it, and I have to say it loud: BACA OFF KIDS’ LIT! (That goes double for you, Roz Chast.) If you need to say it too, the MotherReader store is now open.

(The post title would be better sung to the tune of “Backstreet’s Back,” just in case you missed the reference.)

BACA Off Again

In light of recent events, it seemed like the BACA logo needed to be made. It pays to be married to a graphic designer.

Oh, and I’ll go ahead and reprint the original two “BACA” articles; the first, “BACA Off,” set the stage for this groundbreaking organization, and the second, “Bloggers Against Celebrity Authors (BACA),” sort of formalized it.

As founder and... what the hell, president of BACA, I probably have to talk about this whole Laura & Jenna Bush book thing. There are definitely levels of celebrity author irritation, and this announcement does hit pretty close to the top. The lowest level is for the celebrity authors whose names and books you can’t quite remember days after the press release. Like what’s-his-name with the new football picture book (I am actually thinking of a new person and picture book here). Then there are the celebrity author announcements that are so ridiculous they don’t even need the help of BACA to scorn and mock. Like ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell (though this guy did a knock-out job). Of course, the highest level of celebrity author irritation is reserved for Madonna, but specifically for her book Lotsa de Casha, in which the rich character learns that the path to happiness is in giving away his money. See, it’s the hypocrisy and sheer chutzpah that mark this book as a 10 on the BACA Irritation Scale.

Now, the Laura & Jenna Bush thing is in the high numbers, for sure. Maybe some will say that whatever else Laura Bush may be, she’s a teacher and a librarian, and that gets her off the hook. Not me. I tend to believe that her influence on children’s reading might best be served in the current political administration. After all, she was paraded around during the campaign circuit largely on her “education” credentials — which at least implies that she has some influence. Of course, that was likely just political posturing... which also makes the book annoying because then, you know, don’t rub it in. It also seems possible that the model for the “little boy” who doesn’t like to read is her husband — though if he ends up liking to read in the book, she’s obviously tacking on a “Hollywood ending.”

Personally, I feel bad that the books will illustrated by Junie B. veteran Denise Brunkus, because I love my Junie B. Jones books. But hopefully she can call up poor Kadir Nelson for moral support.


From a post at Big A, little a, I find that Madonna has a line of children’s clothes based on her book The English Roses. That the line has been available for some time does not change the fact that I just heard about it now. And now is when I am reacting. I’m officially sick of celebrity authors.

I could complain about the quality of the work. Oh boy, could I complain. But what’s sticking in my craw is the greed. Come on, leave us our little bit of turf. If you can be famous (and usually rich) in your field of acting or music or global domination, leave the world of children’s literature for other people to become a tiny bit famous. Because you can imagine, for every book deal these celebrities strike, that’s less of the kid-lit pie for another author trying to get a break. Do celebrities have to be so greedy to take every aspect of everything because they can? Is that a good enough reason? It’s not... it’s just not... fair.

Now, I really don’t think that actors and musicians and global dominators will stay away from this tiny territory I’d like to carve off, fence in, and defend with a shotgun. But I can dream. And to that end, I initiate Bloggers Against Celebrity Authors, or BACA, and I state today, “BACA Off Kids’ Lit!”

Join if you like, if not for me, than for poor Kadir Nelson. The man deserves an author worthy of his work, and as long as the Spike Lees of the world are around, it ain’t gonna happen.

---

The Bloggers Against Celebrity Authors (BACA) really struck a chord out there. I’m being asked for a logo, guidelines, and a bumper sticker. Who knew?

The logo is in the works. I hope. I’ll say no more at this juncture.

Guidelines for celebrity author exceptions is tricky. I mean, first you’re letting in Lithgow, then Julie Andrews, and next thing you know Pamela Anderson’s got a book deal (title: Who’s Your Daddy?). It’s a slippery slope. The librarian host of The Magic of Books suggested allowing no exceptions for trading on name recognition, but allowing celebrities to write a book under another name. Yeah, like that’s going to happen. But I’m signing off on that rule, because it sounds good in theory.

However, I know we probably all have our personal exception, and that will be worked into the secret handshake. So, at the June membership meeting, I’ll shake your hand, wink, and say “Lithgow.” You’ll wink, and say “Julie Andrews,” or your preferred exception. Then we’ll both smile and nod knowingly. If you don’t have a preferred exception, then you can say “Carrot Top,” because that would be the funniest exception ever. (“I don’t like the work of Jamie Lee Curtis, but that Carrot Top is going places in children’s literature.”)

Fuse#8 wondered about the benefits of membership, considering the possibility that members would have free rein to whack an offending author on the head with his or her own work. While that would be lovely, it might lead to unfortunate arrests and unnecessary back strain from having to carry around all the relevant books on the off chance that one might run into Billy Joel at the corner Starbucks. So, I’m afraid I cannot endorse such actions, even though I might enjoy them.

Benefits of membership will include opportunities to display the logo on your page, to be particularly smug about celebrity authors, and to receive free soda refills at participating Wendy’s.

As BACA members, we will strive to shun celebrity authors in the blogging world. When a non-celebrity illustrator deserves to be recognized, the BACA member may wish to consider the “Spike Lee Who?” option. For instance, a blogger might note the exceptional work of Kadir Nelson by pointing out the availability of the book Please, Puppy, Please “as illustrated by Kadir Nelson and written by some guy.” We will, as members, avoid giving undue publicity to celebrity authors, with the possible allowance of subjecting said celebrity authors to scorn and ridicule.

Our slogan: BACA off kids’ lit! It will look great on a bumper sticker. (NOTE: And now — as of August 13, 2007 — it does.)

Thoughtful Thursday: BACA Alert

It appears that Jenna Bush has written a book. As founder of BACA, Bloggers Against Celebrity Authors, I know I need to come into the discussion. But I hesitated, and let me tell you why. My personal, primary reason for being against celebrity authors is that I think it’s greedy. If someone is already famous as an actor, singer, and rolling in dough, c’mon, just walk away from children’s literature. Just walk away. My secondary reason is that trading in on your famous name to get big book deals is unfair and kinda annoying.

So Jenna has a book deal. Honestly, I’d cut her some slack on both of my reasons. She’s not famous as an actor or singer and rolling in dough (though I do believe her family is pretty wealthy). She happens to be the president’s daughter, but she hasn’t already made her own personal stamp in the world. Maybe it will be in young adult fiction. I kind of doubt it, but stranger things have happened. So she’s not being greedy in bringing her career into kids’ lit as she has no actual career. Also, while she is trading in on her fame to get a book deal, it’s not her fault that she’s famous. So I’m not really sure I can blame her there either. I’m torn.

However...

The poor girl leaves herself wide open with these two statements (from her interview with USA Today):

“Jenna Bush, in a rare interview, says her forthcoming book for teens — about a 17-year-old single mother in Panama who is living with HIV — will end with a ‘call to action.’”

“She says she ‘very, very modestly’ hopes her book will have some of the influence of two books about girls caught up in the Holocaust: Lois Lowry’s novel Number the Stars and Anne Frank’s The Diary of Anne Frank.”

Oh Jenna, it is terribly unlikely that coming out of the gate as a first-time author that you are going to influence people like Lois Lowry or — Lord have mercy — Anne Frank. I know that you didn’t really mean to imply that you would, but the fact that you said it at all doesn’t give me a lot of confidence in whatever you’re going to write.

As for the “call to action” line, ohmigod! Do you realize how incredibily annoying it is for people living under your dad’s uncaring, uncompassionate, uninspired polices for six freaking years to hear that you want to issue a “call to action” on social issues? You want a call to action? Start with calling your father and talking to him about single mothers, HIV, and foreign aid and then you get back to us.

Thanks to Big A, little a for the all-important BACA alert. Keep up the good work.

Bloggers Against Celebrity Authors (BACA)

The Bloggers Against Celebrity Authors (BACA) really struck a chord out there. I’m being asked for a logo, guidelines, and a bumper sticker. Who knew?

The logo is in the works. I hope. I’ll say no more at this juncture.

Guidelines for celebrity author exceptions is tricky. I mean, first you’re letting in Lithgow, then Julie Andrews, and next thing you know Pamela Anderson’s got a book deal (title: Who’s Your Daddy?). It’s a slippery slope. The librarian host of The Magic of Books suggested allowing no exceptions for trading on name recognition, but allowing celebrities to write a book under another name. Yeah, like that’s going to happen. But I’m signing off on that rule, because it sounds good in theory.

However, I know we probably all have our personal exception, and that will be worked into the secret handshake. So, at the June membership meeting, I’ll shake your hand, wink, and say “Lithgow.” You’ll wink, and say “Julie Andrews,” or your preferred exception. Then we’ll both smile and nod knowingly. If you don’t have a preferred exception, then you can say “Carrot Top,” because that would be the funniest exception ever. (“I don’t like the work of Jamie Lee Curtis, but that Carrot Top is going places in children’s literature.”)

Fuse#8 wondered about the benefits of membership, considering the possibility that members would have free rein to whack an offending author on the head with his or her own work. While that would be lovely, it might lead to unfortunate arrests and unnecessary back strain from having to carry around all the relevant books on the off chance that one might run into Billy Joel at the corner Starbucks. So, I’m afraid I cannot endorse such actions, even though I might enjoy them.

Benefits of membership will include opportunities to display the logo on your page, to be particularly smug about celebrity authors, and to receive free soda refills at participating Wendy’s.

As BACA members, we will strive to shun celebrity authors in the blogging world. When a non-celebrity illustrator deserves to be recognized, the BACA member may wish to consider the “Spike Lee Who?” option. For instance, a blogger might note the exceptional work of Kadir Nelson by pointing out the availability of the book Please, Puppy, Please “as illustrated by Kadir Nelson and written by some guy.” We will, as members, avoid giving undue publicity to celebrity authors, with the possible allowance of subjecting said celebrity authors to scorn and ridicule.

Our slogan: BACA off kids’ lit! It will look great on a bumper sticker.